Missing Two Months.


I have not been doing well. I can’t sugar coat anything at the moment I haven’t been doing well at all. No progress has been made in the physical fitness department. Health department. Or any good well being department. I can tell you that I have become fatter, probably more unhealthy than I was before, and much more poor. Due to this, I feel like I need to apologise to myself for being so useless, a waste of space, pathetic? all of the above? Inside my conscious mind I keep thinking stupid questions like; Why have I let myself get to this point? How did I get to this point? When my unconscious or subconscious mind is at the back screaming like that little tiny mental self bully; “You know why! You know how!

My mini self bully would tell me it’s because I am an imbecilic lazy waste of space of a human being. And honestly? I have no argument to fight back with. I have been jobless for about a week, and my state of panic takes my focus away and all I want to do is lie down on the couch and watch Bones for the rest of my life. If I was lucky, in this state I would just fade into the couch and no longer exist. Better for the dogs, my partner, and everyone else. But you know, not so lucky. I’m still here.

Since I’m still here, and I can still do something about my currently pathetic situation then I should right?

The last two months.

I can’t really remember what I had last updated you all with. So, I am just going to start with the beginning of this tragic time.

Two months ago, rather foolishly, I jumped head first into a job that a friend had got for me. At the time I was nervous and thankful. I had needed a job as I had ran out of funds and things were getting tight. Plus, I am one of those people that do really well when I get the job but I struggle getting the job. I knew that if I didn’t take my friends job offer I could spend six months desperately looking for work that will just continuously reject or just simply never reply to me. (Because we small little worker bees are no longer human beings right? Can you hear the bitterness?).

The job was a restaurant. Or more specifically a fine dining restaurant. The sort of restaurant that you pay lots of money for a big plate that comes with a tiny morsel. That sort of thing. Exactly as films portray them to be. Except this wasn’t in a nice sort of area where the rich live. No, this was a fine dining restaurant in an area in which I watched a man lean out of his van door and spit out large lumps of crap that sounded like he had gurgled it altogether from his nose and throat. Three times. One spit. Pause of ten seconds. Two spit. Pause for another ten seconds. Three spit. When I said I watched him, I didn’t really, I couldn’t stomach it. In fact I saw him do the first one, cringed, and turned away while I waited in the car. I heard the second and third goes with the mucus balls that he was spewing out on to the road. I felt sick after the second and I secretly wished that he would stop once the third one came up.

It is also a place that I happen to know a lot of awful things happen at. And I think they happen with no shame. Someone I know very well is a victim’s liaison there. They were probation. I know awful things happen everywhere. But when the frequency of those awful things happen in one area it doesn’t make the area seem great to be in. That’s not saying that all of the people in the area are like that, they aren’t, I met some nice people there, but it still wouldn’t be the sort of place you would expect a fine dining expensive restaurant to be in.

I was hired to play host, greet the customers, sit them at their table or sit them at the bar lounge until their table was ready or the kitchen was ready whichever came first. That didn’t end up becoming my job role in the end. Instead I was turned waitress because apparently the owners liked my customer service.

There were a few key players in this restaurant job game that they all seemed to be playing. And unfortunately, my friend was the target of this little game. The more powerful players were the owners. I say owners, no, sorry, I mean, owner and his wife. Two people who weirdly never checked their cash up reports at the end of each day that the restaurant was open. They paid any extra staff they had in cash. Put randomly pulled amounts out of the ether that they think they should have. They also had a favourite. A boy (I would be insulting actual genuine men if I called him a man) that happened to be manager of the bar. Oh, and he didn’t want me to forget that. Clearly. He came in every day the restaurant was open, even if he wasn’t scheduled to be in. And as a friend put it perfectly ‘was the busiest person to run around doing nothing’. He did nothing. But he always ran around hysterically busy and stressed. When he stressed he lashed out at everyone. More so on the girl that worked behind the bar with him. She is lovely. She will come into this in a bit. He was also a space invader.

I was nervous about this job because everyone that worked there that I had spoken to about it. Never praised it. Actually, they only ever had negative things to say. Well, that isn’t heart settling at all. However, I couldn’t afford to pass up a job. I tried to go in with some form of positivity. The job was easy, whether I was hosting or serving it was pretty straight forward. The only thing that made me really hate it was that the shifts were so long. You start at 11:30am, I can guarantee you won’t leave until midnight. Once you were scheduled in, that was it you were scheduled for the whole day. If you were lucky there was a thirty minute break in there for you. But I wouldn’t hold my breath. This apparently meant that my feet were going to be killing me. Actually, given the running around I did, they would usually start hurting halfway through the first day. They would ache so much that I would ask my partner to stand on the side of my heel. I know that sounds weird but hear me out. I hold my weight in my heels apparently. I know that probably isn’t great but maybe that could be one of the things I work on. Posture.

Everything was going alright for the first two weeks. There were certain things I noticed which put me off about everything. The bar manager was a space invader. A really bad one. The young girl that worked with him behind the bar at some point confronted him because he had been treating her like shit for weeks. This made her job harder because she then had to cope with her emotions as well as the mess he would always leave on the bar and never clean up. He would be inches from her face. Standing over her. Boxing her into the bar. I was always struck with the urge to stand between the two of them and tell him ‘Back off, and listen to what she is actually telling you’. But I didn’t. I wasn’t sure if it was my imagination or something else.

He also had a weird issue with the word please. He couldn’t physically bring himself to say it. Apologies? Ha! You could kiss those goodbye. He never did anything wrong. Ever. After the young girl told him to stop talking to her like shit, quoting from her ‘just don’t talk to me like shit’. He didn’t understand it. He later admitted to my friend who got me the job that he just said ok to placate her. WHAT!? He then went into the details of how she was wrong. That was the moment I realised that not only was he a space invader, incapable of seeing his shortcomings, he was a liar. A compulsive liar as well. This boy was not a good person. By any stretch of the imagination.

I always sensed a vibe off him. It made me dislike him. Thankfully the feeling was mutual. He didn’t like me. He would joke about it with the others, but everyone knows those jokes that are true and aren’t jokes. But you say it in the hopes that everyone else would think you were joking because they didn’t agree with your comment. It would always shock him however when I would speak honestly. I also made sure to keep my voice deadpan. ‘The feeling is mutual’. I would say, and he would always give me the most shocked expression as if he either didn’t know I didn’t like him, or he just didn’t expect me to admit it. The young girl would always laugh as he would call to me “I hope you were joking”.

I think the reason it would shock him was because he was used to people liking him even though he never had a positive word to say about anyone other than himself. Especially, (rather unfortunately for my friend and myself) the owners. He was the owners golden boy. Whenever they said anything it was to him never to my friend who was acting manager. Even though she had forced the owner to sit down and she told him outright that if he has an issue with anything she does it should be to her that he discusses this with and not the golden boy. But no they continued to undermine her every act and decision. They defended him when we found mouldy mint in one of the bar fridges. It had been hidden and left. We had also found a broken glass put in a box and hidden at the back of a floor shelf with coffee stuff. As bar manager… wouldn’t you spot that? No actually, the owners defended him, and then he took off at the young girl, blaming her for it all. Classy.

A couple of weeks later something else came up which knocked me sick and I felt awful about. I drive my friend to and from work when I’m in. I passed that way anyway so it was nothing out of my way. But this one evening I didn’t. She was with some of the other staff members and the bar manager. She wanted to go out with them, you know night out, why not? Except she was going on a night out with a girl who, was nice and all but gave you the vibe that she was definitely in for herself and looked after only herself. she was only interested in herself. The bar manager that I already didn’t like. And the bar manager’s best friend. I had reservations about leaving her with them. It’s a weird feeling that sits in your chest and makes sure your brain thinks about it all night until you hear that they made it home ok. But, she is a grown woman, she is my friend, it is up to her. And she is free to go on a night out. She should be safe with anyone. I know that nothing about that night was my fault, but I still think about it, and think I shouldn’t have left her with them.

I remember waking up and messaging her the next day. When I asked her how was the night out because I had seen her Instagram story. She was drunk. I have seen her drunk before. I thought she was going to tell me that it was good and that everything was fine that her partner had picked her up and taken her home. No, actually she told me that something weird happened. She explained to me that the bar manager had tickled her so hard he had left bruises on her ribs. She took a picture of the bruises to prove it. He then kept touching her face, and trying to stick his fingers in her mouth. He tried to kiss her face. Saying things like – ‘Her partner was a lucky man’ and ‘I wish you were mine’. – When I saw the message my heart stopped. What the fuck? (Pardon the language, but I think you can understand my need for it, there is no other way to express my shock). I actually read the message to my partner because I couldn’t believe it. The first word to come out of my partners mouth was ‘predator’. I felt so guilty I had left her, I should have just taken her home. She said that it was weird and she felt uncomfortable. But didn’t know what she could do about it.

A couple of weeks later, we continued to work, but with a suspicious eye on the boy who was playing bar manager. Every time we would witness something happen he would go out of his way to force her to talk to him. I refused to allow them to talk alone. His story was always different to what we had actually seen. Like what? Is he serious? Plus he was getting worse with the young girl behind the bar. Making sure that she felt incapable and useless without him. Even when she was perfectly fine without him, actually we had a moment in which he wasn’t there and the shift ran so smooth it was nearly heavenly. The owners were aware of this behaviour, considering that the head chef sent them a message with everything he keeps doing. The head chef was fond of the young girl at the bar. (Good friends). But characteristic to protecting their golden boy, they played ignorant of anything that was going on. They created a blanket rule of managers are not allowed to socialise with the other staff members outside of work. I would face palm to show you all how ridiculous that blanket rule was but honestly, it doesn’t even come close to describing the pure absurdity.

There was also an intense atmosphere going around because he had spilt the beans on a secret about the girl that was with my friend that night. He would always describe this girl as not being one of his people… even though she always went out with him. Forgave him for spilling her secrets to everyone (which he continues to do). And she was still friends with him after he spoke very badly about her to the owners about what she was wearing. Even though she looked nice and smart. There was also an intense atmosphere going around because the owner pulled my friend and the bar manager for a chat privately. This girl was panicking for her job and told me that she knew that the bar manager and my friend would fight to keep them. If the owner should so decide to listen. I corrected her immediately. No he wouldn’t. The boy wouldn’t fight for you. He would sink you when you turned your back on him.

I was right to do so. Turns out the owner wasn’t considering firing anyone. He was unsure on what to do about everything. But after a phone call with the bar manager the girl was fired. Yet he didn’t have the balls to tell her himself. He called my friend who told him ‘No, you got her fired, you call her and explain it’. Which he didn’t. What he said was that it wasn’t just her that was fired but multiple people. When that wasn’t true at all. Lots of confusion stemmed because this boy was playing a very manipulative game.

We kept working however, the owner believing that now he had the dream team that he needed. Hmm, yes… Dream Team. Every time my friend posted a rota it was wrong. Every time she made a decision she was not to be listened to. I was met face to face with this decisive undermining of my friend’s decision when I was asked one week to teach the young girl at the bar how to cash up the till. Because the bar manager struggled with it and clearly didn’t like doing it. Every time it came to his turn to cash up he would call her up and ask how to do it. (He had worked there longer than she had). Which I agreed to do, the cash up was easy, plus it would mean that we wouldn’t have to wait for the bar to finish serving when the floor was completely finished. I think this was sparked by the fact that one night we were all feeling rough, it was one of those harsh days in which everyone felt as if they had been bludgeoned with a baseball bat. It was 11:30pm and the bar manager was still letting people in for drinks. My friend had had enough and wanted to go home. As a result the next weekend I was prepping ready to teach the young girl at the bar how to do the cash up. My friend was off for that weekend which is why she wasn’t there to do it. We got to the end of the day, the last customer was paid and gone. I gestured for her to come to the till and I would show her. The bar manager heard me and said ‘What? No, why are you doing that?’. Oh because I decided these things by myself. Ha! I told him that I was asked to do so by my friend who was my acting manager. The thought that the young girl would be more capable to function beyond him clearly didn’t sit well with him. He approached me, and boxed me into the bar. The first excuse he gave me was that she wasn’t capable. I disagreed, and I still disagree now, and I told him that the only one who thinks that was him. When that excuse didn’t work he tried not teaching everyone in the restaurant how to do it. I said I wasn’t teaching everyone, just the other member of staff that worked with him. He then came at me with only managers should know how to do it. Well, that was crap because the owner had asked my friend to teach me how to do it… he tried again. We went back and forth over this issue until he figured out that I wasn’t giving in to his ridiculous excuses. He leaned into me, standing over me (because he was taller than me), and he was inches away from my face. ‘I am the same as your friend, I am the manager’. He got in my face, telling me how he was a manager as well. I have never had someone get in my face the way he did. What I should have done was headbutt him, right in the nose. Instead, I stared at him, directly in the eye. I watched his eyes widen as he tried to emphasize that he was management. When I didn’t give in he went to the young girl and tried to explain how he was right to her. Then came back at me, as if that would change my mind about it. When I still didn’t roll over and agree with him he just said ‘I have to disagree’. I went home that night sending quite furious messages to my friend about this.

The next day I had every intention of just ignoring him. I wasn’t interested in being friends or anything to do with him. However, he wouldn’t let me do that. Every where I stood, he would make sure that he was stood next to me with his arm touching mine. Even when I leaned away he would be touching me arm to arm. So I would move to stand somewhere else. He would follow and do the same thing. Ick! Stop touching me! I really really wish I had just headbutted him. If I had broken a nose or a jaw at least the bastard would be away for the day. But no. Instead he turned to me and said ‘Can I have a hug?’. I said him why. ‘Am I not allowed a hug?’. Why did he want one? He hugged me anyway, when I didn’t hug him back, he told me to hug him properly. Ick! Again, stop touching me! He tried to talk me down about it saying that ‘She had ended up watching him cash up anyway’. Oh, she just so happened to learn it from him after he got in my face about it? No, he taught her because he wanted to be the important one. He continued, ‘I just didn’t appreciate being blindsided with this decision’. I must have given him a look of some description because he asked me what was going through my head. ‘It was rich for him to say this to me when he blindsides my friend every day’. He took offense and started explaining that he didn’t blindside her, that he warned her whenever something awful came up about her. Hmm, no dude, that still counts as blindsiding. She should have been part of those conversations, not the after thought. Not fire to hang over her head.

I would have left after that. I wanted to leave. But my friend was the one who got me the job. They already gave her a hard time. If the girl that she recommended just up and left and never went back, how would that look? So, I stayed. And was messed around by the boy. Continuously. He got the young girl that works with him to call me, upset, saying that she couldn’t go home until I agreed to come down to take her shift. Of course I went, I drove for an hour. Only to arrive and be told ‘Here’s the thing, I don’t need you’. He sent her home anyway. After he wasted my time. If the owner didn’t like the service I gave to the customers I would have lost my job ages ago.

This all came to a head however, when I found out that the boy had been telling people that, on that night he was between her legs and that she had been trying to kiss him. When I told my friend, she got upset and angry. She didn’t understand what was the point. We were also having issues because the day before he had told us that the owner only wanted one person in for service. I got the shift. But he tried to make it sound like she had just decided not to come in on a whim. And they were listening to him. When I say they I mean the owner and his wife. This new found truth just upset her and made her feel like there was no point because he was literally manipulating everything. She told her partner the whole story and he instructed her to message the bar manager to start a discussion about it. That discussion did not go well. When she said how uncomfortable she had felt that night, and how horrible it was to hear that he was lying about it. His response was ‘lol’. Lol? Really? That is not what you do when someone is talking to you about how awful you made them feel.

This initiated a complete block of him from everything except email. To put this into perspective of how difficult this must have been for him. He would call and message her incessantly everyday. When they were on talking terms. Now he couldn’t get in contact with her. I received a message from him stating that the rota she had just done and sent through was not to be listened to, and irrelevant. And not to listen to her. This was followed by her sending me a picture of the email he had sent her. Oh wow, what a load of lies. The boy could be called the lord of lies except I am hoping most people could work out that they were lies so he wouldn’t be a very good lord. He made her out to be like a petulant child. Spitting her dummy out for no reason when really she had a lot of reasons to. She replied with a resignation.

This lead to a phone call to me, from the owner, asking if I was really leaving because she was. I told him honestly about the incident with the bar manager getting in my face. He played ignorant about everything. Stating not to know that this was all happening. To make the phone call all the more uncomfortable. He told me that my friend was lying and that the things she claimed to have happened weren’t real. That the bar manager has two witnesses that can vouch for him. When I said they were both his friends they would vouch for him. The owner said no one is his friend but the other wasn’t and that she no longer worked for the owner anymore. I knew exactly who they were and said so, and I informed him that she was his friend because she had been with him on the night that my friend emailed in her resignation. Which is why I knew that the owner wasn’t even going to read the email. He also threw at me that statement that every guilty party has to say about “allegations” like that; ‘What was she even doing at his flat when she has a partner”. Let me tell you people – 1. that is not even the point! 2. she was on a night out with people she thought were her work colleagues and maybe friends! 3. anyone should be able to go out and not have to worry that they are going to be forced upon. But wow, I couldn’t believe I had just heard. I had read that some people say things like that in cases like this but wow… it is different to actually hear it being said regarding a friend you believe completely. Plus not being funny but she had photographic evidence. And those witnesses were too busy having sex with each other to witness anything. The girl that had her secrets spilled by the bar manager, who was then fired because the bar manager had said something to the owner that was also a lie, was now having sex with the bar manager and lying for him in his defence. That girl is someone that could be defined as a beaten wife syndrome kind of girl.

I am now jobless. Again. If anyone would like to hire me that would be wonderful. Thank you.

In the midst of all of this rubbish. I regretfully have to include that the Fiat Punto that I was driving for these years. Finally met its end at my hands. I didn’t realise that it need oil and water in it and melted the engine. However, in this sad time, I will note that I have now got a beautiful ford fiesta which is one of the new loves of my life. From the ashes rises the phoenix? This does unfortunately mean that I desperately need a new job before this fantastic new car is taken away from me due to lack of funds.

Unfortunate results

The unfortunate result of these last two weeks has been quite dark. My opinion of people as a populace has grown morbid and just downright cold. My opinion of myself has just dropped even more so. I am in a constant state of anxiety and worry. I am now more broke than before I was before I was working for the fine dining restaurant. I lost all motivation to exercise which also resulted in me being fatter.

This is an unfortunate result, but it is where I am right now. I am a mess. But this is a mess I am hoping that I can fix. Things are a little bleak but if I give up then I really have lost and will never get anywhere.

I do know that this is an awfully long post. However, with this sort of situation I needed to vent it out somewhere. So here is where it landed. I have more posts planned, if they come in regularly or sporadically… meh, they will be posted when they are posted.

Thank you so much for reading. Write again soon. Bye!