Chaos Scrambling.

Once again, I have found myself completely disappeared from the world. This seems to be a totally normal thing for me to do. Is it just me? Or does anyone else do that? Something enters your time table or just in your life and everything else is thrown completely into the air? The only way I can explain it is you can see a pile of things and you try to scoop it all into your arms but pieces keep falling out and you scoop again and something else slips out. That was sort of how the last couple of weeks have felt. If anyone has felt like that? You are not alone at all. I know your pain!

I got a job. Granted, it is only a weekend job, but it is still a job. It is a ‘fine dining’ restaurant. Yes, ooh, posh. Not really, but the world is filled with human illusions that people like to use to make themselves feel better. And this part-time job is absolutely no different. A head chef who thinks it’s ok to speak to me like I’m an idiot and then apologise for it later. Everyone calls him a lovely person, but he is not a lovely person if he does it all the time. Soon, he is going to find out that his apologies don’t mean anything if he does it a third time to me. Business owners who are very spontaneous with decisions with no notice. Staff members who are friendly, but I believe there are some that I wouldn’t trust with my secrets. You all know, typical job. Something that will pay the bills while I am trying to figure everything out.

Then the business has sort of picked up. Ladies were asking for private or small group sessions. Which has meant that nearly all of my evenings have been taken up by pole and aerial. I am not complaining. This is great! It just means that I have been busier than usual, and trying to re-figure out my time organisation has been a little awkward. Rushing the equipment into my car, getting to the session location, teaching, then packing up, and getting home. I usually leave my home at roughly 5:30pm and don’t make it home until 11:30pm at night.

This has meant that dinner has been none existent. The shifts during the weekend are long ones, and since it takes me roughly forty minutes driving to get to work, and then another forty minutes to get home afterwards. By the time I leave it is too early to have lunch, and by the time I get back it is too late to eat dinner. Then on the days when I am not working and I am teaching the pole and aerial fitness classes. They are always in the evening, so I haven’t been able to work eating dinner into that schedule.

Now, I am literally in the phase of re-organising myself. Trying to get everything under control because I feel a little bit everywhere. I could explain it as spinning around on the spot trying to catch every single disaster that is jumping at me. I would like to stop spinning. I don’t know how I am going to do that. I keep thinking one step at a time but that literally means I won’t get anywhere very quickly. Actually, it would take absolutely forever, to so much as get anywhere. I keep panicking because I am getting older and I keep feeling like I am running out of time. How can I explain this?

I am getting older. However, all of my friends are younger than me. They are either getting married, or having babies. Then there are these people who are so young but they are so successful. They are either incredibly rich already, living their ‘best life’, or something like that. And if I am honest, that is intimidating. I keep forgetting that everything and everyone comes into their own success at different points in their lives. But it is really hard to ignore it. Especially when it is droned into you. So, I can’t ignore it. Actually, I have been feeling very much like I am getting older, and getting nowhere. My mortality is weirdly pressing on me. Is it weird for me to think like this when I am not even thirty yet? I know everyone out there who are older than me are probably pulling your hair out thinking ‘What the fuck are you saying!?’. I am aware that I am not old, and I know it is never too old to get good or to do anything at all. But the nervousness is still there, it is like a constant anxiety, I don’t think about it all the time but it is always there in the back of my mind.

Which is why I am going through a massive re-organisation of myself. So, as of after this weekend… I am going to kick myself up the ass. My mornings will be filled with exercise and training, afternoons to writing, evenings my business. Unless it is the weekend in which I am working. The main thing will be writing over the weekend will probably not be a thing at all which is sad times, but four out of seven days in the week writing doesn’t sound bad at all. It does mean I am going to feel a little bit like a robot I think. To be honest I can imagine me, actually no, I know me. This dedication will probably last maybe a week… or even a day. Then I will go back to my chaotic life of feeling like everything is everywhere. Ha, can you see it now?

Thank you so much for reading. I will write again soon. Bye!