I feel like I need to speak to someone. I don’t really know who but I have decided to speak to you (whoever you might be that reads my posts). I am not even sure what it is clearly that I need to speak to someone about. I don’t know if I just need to air my feelings out there, or if I am crazy and just going through the motions of a low mood. But… I am in a rut. With everything. This week I have either not wanted to get out of bed or I have just wanted to slouch around and do absolutely nothing but be brainless. Which is awful.
I have got out of bed, the two canines need me to get out of bed, I just haven’t felt like doing it. Sometimes I hate the idea of not getting out of bed. I like a lie in, but I usually prefer a productive day so exercise, me and the dogs, writing, reading, house things, etc. Nope. Not today. Not this week. This week I have done nothing but get up, sit on the couch and literally, brainlessly watch Markiplier on Youtube. His videos from phasmphobia to among us to amnesia rebirth. I have just watched them. I can’t really even explain where my brain goes.
No, that is a lie. I know what I am consciously thinking. Why am I being so lazy? Why don’t I get up and exercise? Why don’t I turn the tv off and pick up that book that you have been wanting to read and you are enjoying it but for some reason haven’t been picking up? Or why haven’t I been writing? What is wrong with me?
This is what the mind is consciously thinking. What is happening underneath this thin surface of frustration and argument with myself I couldn’t say. The mind is like an ice berg. Tiny, tiny bit showing on the surface but the stuff under the surface is what sinks you. Sorry, yes I am using Titanic as a comparative metaphor because I recently watched a video on YouTube about Leonardo DiCaprio’s friendship with Kate Winslet being the best in the celebrity world. So, that is what made me think of it. But it is a true metaphor. Right now I am sinking into this rut and I am hoping I don’t split anywhere through the middle before I go off script and save myself.
I am stuck in a rut right now and I am not overly sure why. I have been trying to write this big project and I have been doing it for a while but now I have doubted myself about it and feel a little bit like I can’t progress much further which is a little disheartening. I don’t plan on giving up on it, I have worked hard on this piece and I am not going to let that go to waste because I may be stuck in a rut. However, I am in a rut. So, how do I deal with this rut?
Well, the first step, apparently, is accepting and acknowledging that I am in a rut… ok well I have done that. Clearly, there is no denial. Oh… the second step is identifying why… well. I don’t know what the cause is. It could be a few things. I have been questioning if I enjoy my new job or not. I mean I am lucky enough to have a job so I am not taking it for granted. But I don’t know if this will be a forever job for me. I will work through my probation to find out. Also, it is not a bad company to work for at all, so it won’t be the company, it’ll be just me. There is also the fact that the business that myself and a friend co-own together is sort of hanging in the air right now. Because of Covid and the second lockdown and the indecisiveness of the useless government officials we currently have scratching their arseholes instead of at least reasonably running the countries that they are in charge of, running any form of business in the UK (I can’t talk for other countries) is almost practically impossible. I am also experiencing an annoying breakout on my chin (I know is my fault) and every time I look at it I think ‘Christ I couldn’t be pretty for like two minutes’. Which is a self-esteem issue, and may also be a hormonal issue… I’m not sure yet. Then there is the question of my weight now I know! I know, I have just started running again, and weight loss is a slow difficult process, BUT it can still be disheartening to look at myself. Plus I sadly cannot avoid myself because there are about four mirrors in the master bedroom. Those mirrors were not put there by us, they were already on the walls by the previous owners. Then there is also the tenuous health status of my poor vet puppy who needs medicating four times a day and I think that is just starting to annoy him now. He does his grumpy old man grumble whenever I tilt his head back to put the eye drops in.
So… I definitely couldn’t say what the cause is. I mean… it might be all of these things hitting me all at once. All of the things I need to improve on, all of the things that I am responsible for, and the things I don’t have a choice with.
Because I don’t fully know what has caused my slump I may just take a step back away from everything. Stop worrying about the fact that I am feeling so low and that I haven’t really accomplished anything. Maybe listen to some fabulous Imogen Heap music or the EDM music that I have been loving, that I have been finding on a YouTube channel called Valiant. Maybe, just step away from it all and see if I get my productiveness back. A good session with my mp3 player might be the ticket forward. I’ll start slow with getting back into things. So, keep up with the running, try to set the tone for the rest of the day. Then get back into reading. I think that is where I will start. Reading. A nice, peaceful way to escape for a little while.
Once I have had this time to readjust myself in this slump I will look at the apparent next step to getting out of a rut. Which is taking a closer look at my goals. Hmm, at this point I would say what goals. I said I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to get better at writing, I wanted to get better at pole and aerial, I wanted to be a bit more feminine in the way I dress and look after myself, I wanted to be a better me. But I can’t say that these are my goals if I have literally done nothing to try to reach them. I am jumping ahead of myself. I will come back to goals at a later point.
Thank you for reading my drama. Write again soon. Bye!