Falling out of the habit.
It is no secret that with moving house a lot of things sort of fall behind on the list of importance. It is also no secret that University did not help me build this writing habit.
I didn’t do very well at University. The course I did was Creative Writing as a lot of you will know. I will admit it did not start off great. Not only did one of the tutors tell me (before the course had even begun I was just applying at this point) that she wasn’t sure she should even allow me onto the course because I showed creativity but lacked the analytical side. Well, I wasn’t all that sure what that meant with regards to CREATIVE writing but ok isn’t that the point of applying to a course. To learn what that sort of thing means?
I am going to give a tip to tutors out there everywhere. Being a person of education. Being a person that is responsible for the education of another person – regardless of the age of this person – to sit there and tell them you don’t believe they are capable of what this person has decided to try and apply themselves to, you’ve basically shot yourself and that person in the foot before the race has even begun. Your relationship with that person will struggle passed that doubt. That person’s self-esteem and confidence has just taken a shot. I don’t applaud you. You should not be a teacher. There is a difference between having a doubt about something and willing to work through that struggle, and just giving up before you start. But sadly, a lot of you are teachers and a lot of you are like that. Which is why children to adults everywhere still struggle.
This doubt created a distrust for me with my tutors. Except for one. He took the effort to sit me down in private meetings and help me understand the feedback. He didn’t just underline something and say “Wrong”. He helped me understand why it was wrong. He made the effort to help me improve my grade in my second year. Unfortunately, this amazing tutor (who I hope is doing well) left to do bigger and better things. My relationship with my other tutors did not improve, I made a complaint about one tutor to my personal tutor who shrugged it off, I went for guidance about a creative piece I was working on for an assessment and the tutor ripped it to shreds. I felt so defeated I cried my way back to my partners house at the time and I never returned to the University premises again.
Actually that is a lie I only returned to submit assessments and I prayed that I didn’t accidentally bump into any of the tutors in that building.
But this killed my confidence with writing. My grammar is shit (pardon the language if it offends you), I am in a constant state of embarrassment over my ideas, so I struggled to write any of my bigger projects.
I just kept to the little things that I posted on here. Mostly, because once I posted them on here I didn’t really need to think about them again. People can read them if they wanted. Or not read them if they didn’t want to. They didn’t mean anything. They could be as bad as possible and I didn’t really mind them on here. They never got sent anywhere else and honestly I just wasn’t up for the odd little bit of snobbery that writers out there can’t deny some of the writing world has. (I say some, not all, but some).
But I still wanted to be a writer. I still want to be a writer. Whatever counts as a writer.
Then more recently, my partner and I moved into our new home. There were a lot of new things I had never done before that I needed to do myself. These things were usually slow and took me hours to complete but I did complete them. Due to them taking up all of my days I did stop writing altogether. But this time in the house doing all of the D.I.Y made me feel a little bit more confident in myself.
Rebuilding that habit.
Writing can become a rusty skill if it isn’t practiced. Just like anything the muscle memory is there it just needs a little bit of refining. It is just a case of setting aside a little bit of time just to bring back the natural feeling of sitting down and writing.
Sometimes I have to be in set conditions to help me stop procrastinating. A good example, right now as I sit here typing this post I currently have the TV on with Youtube playing Markiplier in the background. Probably because I have watched the videos before so I just know what happens so as long as I have something else going on in the background I will avoid procrastination a lot easier. Yes, it is weird.
Reading as well. My reading plummetted to near enough nothing after University. But more recently (mostly because of a very good friend) reading has been coming back to me. I am still a slow reader but I am enjoying it again, I am falling in love with characters, and hating characters again.
Hopefully, the next post I will have made some form of progress. But I will let you know next time.