Writing Struggles.

Writer’s block? Cliché! Horrendous. Okay, I am going to start again.

I’ve got no ideas. I keep staring at the blank screen. WordPress has a new layout system that has a small greyed out sentence; Start writing or type / to choose a block.

And I just can’t think.

I’m being swallowed whole by a bank account that tells me time and time again “You have exceeded your overdraft”. Every job I search and look at my mind wonders through the shit pile that is self-esteem issues. I could try and write about something interesting. I mean look at every magazine that sits on shop shelves – Beauty, Beauty, wear this, look at this diet plan, I changed my life in so many days. Or – Sports.

It all just seems the same, articles on celebrities going through drama, drama, drama, drama. How they coped with it. How they aren’t coping with it. Articles on the best make-up that people can buy, or what this sport celebrity was doing, what new offence had they just been accused of committing.

What would catch your eye?

I’ve been watching a crappy film called That awkward moment thinking about all of this stuff. I want to write, I want to finish ONE project at least before I die. Well, no I have four projects of my own that I am working on. Trying to work through a chapter each per week. So far, that hasn’t worked. Christmas has rolled by, New year has just rolled by, and the pressure is just building up. Heavier, and heavier.

My current job … “job” … pays me for … the classes run. So, advertising unpaid. The extra material used to advertise unpaid. – The material – includes posters, policy information, timetable, pricelist, silhouettes in business theme colours. Administration unpaid. I also have to work with a woman I think secretly hates me. She isn’t brave enough to say it to me. But what? I work hard, I took initiative and learned how to do certain things.

Now this job that only pays for one aspect of the work put in is almost taking over my life. Training for myself as well as preparation for the classes. All the extra work, but I can’t live off nothing. My dogs can’t live off nothing. Which is why the pressure is just getting worse – My boyfriend wants to move house, the car is literally dying…

This morning/afternoon I woke up and searched on my phone for writing jobs for writing magazines. All of those jobs were in London. Why are they all in London? So, strike that one I just don’t want to move to London. So, I give up with that. Plus, my phone was on two percent when I started so it died before I could decide to give up.

It got me thinking though, all these magazines that sell beauty. What makes them different from each other? What makes you buy them? Because they say the same thing. You could look like this! BAM – celebrity – Bam – Model – BAM – Photoshopped queen that just isn’t real. What makes you read them? Do you read them? Or is it just the dream of being that photoshopped?

I’ve sort of fallen off topic.

But right now, I’m feeling stuck in a place.

It’s like I can’t think passed everything. And I always think that blogs are meant to be something informative – like advice from experience, or just emotional feel beautiful things. Do they have to be? I have been using it as a place for poetry, a random phone story that isn’t finished. Maybe that is all this will be for. No more extra bits on anything. I may put a few short stories on here, but… I think that will be all this is for.

No more extra work for nothing. Writing struggles over.